12.03I Might Be A Misandrist
There’s no greater gift than motherhood.
At least, that’s what everyone tells me.
Being a mom is such a huge deal; if I dare to mention the mere possibility that I don’t want to procreate, the response is to either look at me like I just said I was trying to grow a leg on my forehead or to brush me off and tell me my Clock will start ticking any second now.
Motherhood is a Big Deal.
Of course, a big part of motherhood is being pregnant. Virtually every parking lot these days saves the closest spots for the handicapped and “expectant mothers.” (How would they know unless it’s the second or third trimester? Isn’t that discriminating against early pregnancies and women who missed their periods and might be expectant mothers? Should a woman carry around her peestick as proof?) There are endless “hip” maternity boutiques and endless blogs about those magical nine months.
So isn’t it fair to expect men to suffer enjoy the wonder of being with child?
And so, I present to you the very first law that shall ever pass if I become the Almighty Authoritative Figure Over Everything That Exists:
All Men Shall Bear Sympathy Pregnancies With Their Significant Others
(I’ll have the Legal Department clean that up later.)
Sympathy pregnancies — you know, where men get to suffer the swollen ankles, sore back, bloating, nausea, cravings, mood swings and all the other wonderful symptoms — are nature’s way of enlightening the male gender.
Since they can’t carry, birth, or nurse a child (unless they wear the Boozy Nipples!), well, isn’t this the next best thing?
(By the way, how awesome is it that when I Googled search engined [boozy nipples], my site was the first link to show up?? My mother would be so proud!)
uh… is there something you are not telling us??? Hah. Yeah, I've heard about spouses who will quit drinking and smoking and start eating healthy foods, etc., to encourage the expecting mothers… if they can come up with a some kind of scientific device that allows them to share in the actual physical discomforts, that WOULD be nice.
Boozy nipples are a little creepy.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Dude, if they can't *actually* gestate the baby, then there's no point. If I can't hand the fetus over so I can enjoy a beer or a rollercoaster, it's just not worth listening to the bitching that would ensue. Trust me on this one.
Also: if you know that you don't want kids – more power to you. Just because it seems to be the "thing to do", doesn't mean you should. You'll be better off having to deal with people thinking that you're crazy than resenting your children, IMO. Not everyone needs to have kids you know?
That said, I wouldn't change our decision to procreate. Even on days when I am twitching by the time the kid goes to bed, or seriously considering running away so I don't have to listen to "I want mommy" whined in my general viscinity eleventy trillion times a day… It's worth it when I can go in her room when she's sleeping and snuggle up to a girl who automatically snuggles right back in to me without waking up.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I was sympathetic to my wife when she was pregnant. I even stopped asking her to get my beer from the fridge in the final two weeks. Does that count?
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:47 pm
dude, if you told me that you didn't want to procreate I would tell you something that everyone already knows "You are the smartest friggin woman in the world." amen.
seriously
don't do it.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
if you really don't want kids, you shouldn't have them. it's no one's business but your own!
i enjoyed the post you linked. the comments made me sad though…been so long since the glorious days of RSM.
December 8th, 2009 at 1:09 am