Two months ago, we somewhat randomly decided to buy a house.  Today, we have an appointment for our closing that will result in us signing up for the largest debt of our lives and, if all goes well, shiny keys to our new home.

It’s been quite an experience and, even up until the last minute, has had is ups and downs.  For example: being charged a one-time $500 “working capital” fee by the HOA and yet still having to pay $25 for the documents, which we don’t actually have because their website is shitty and pops up with errors instead of the PDF files we need; being charged a $50 Gate Access Fee that somehow does not actually include any Gate Access Remotes because those are apparently a separate cost and I’m going to be incredibly irritated if the homeowner does not hand those over during the closing; reviewing all the fees charged by the mortgage company, the title company, and the underwriting company and wondering how in the hell they actually merit getting paid that much because dude!

Oh, and the most important lesson of all: the seller doesn’t actually pay closing costs.

When they say “seller pays closing costs”, what they actually mean is that The Buyer will overbid on the house by 6% – 9%, the typical amount of closing costs, and The Seller will take that overage and pay closing costs.  It makes sense because I’d rather overpay them with my mortgage loan than have to bring that amount of cash to the table — but I drove myself, my co-workers, and our housing folks absolutely nuts trying to figure out the meaning behind that phrase.  Finally, our buyer’s agent took pity on me and laid it out in plain terms and I understood.  Not happily, might I add.

But hey — we’re going to own a house!

I’m going to live off ramen noodles and Snickers bars for the next 30 years — but we’re going to own a house!

Filed under: home