(Yes, according to “Jaws.”)

This is probably going to sound odd coming from someone who is not only a native Floridian but grew up on the Gulf Coast.

But.

I do not like “natural” water.  If it’s not in a pool, fully chlorinated and chock full of chemicals, I just might possibly be a teensy bit afraid of it or at least incredibly hesitant to dip my toes in.

A few experiences and thoughts have shaped these particular feelings:

• As a teenager, I swam in my first watering hole, just an overflowing pond, filled with plants and wildlife and pond scum..  Some friends of mine would climb a nearby pine tree and jump into the water; as I stood shivering in the tepid water, gripping a slimy rock with my toes, something slithered past my arm. And I’m pretty certain it wasn’t a fish.
• Growing up on the Gulf Coast allowed me the luxury of spontaneous beach stops.  When I was a kid, my mom and I stopped to splash around in some shallow water.  I was gliding around, floating, and just as I was about to step down on the sand, I happened to look down and a fraction of a second before my foot made contact, the sand shifted as a giant horseshoe crab unearthed itself. I spluttered and splashed and somehow missed him — a fortunate thing for both of us!
• In the neighborhood I grew up in, whenever it would rain heavily — usually every hurricane season — the streets would flood; it wasn’t uncommon to see nests of fire ants floating across your driveway and tadpoles swimming past your front door.  Naturally, kids would relish in it and, a week later, wind up with summer colds and ringworms. Mmm, nothing like wading in water that is 99.999999% bacteria!
• All the shark attacks, especially on the Atlantic side of Florida, which is the closest coast to Orlando. Screwwwww that, I refuse to be shark bait!

That said, one of the best experiences in the water was on my honeymoon.  We were on a dune buggy excursion that consisted of cruising around the island with designated pit stops.  Our first stop was snorkeling; once we were “trained” and given our masks and flippers, we splashed into the beautiful blue water.  It took me a good five minutes to stop hyperventilating whenever I stuck my face in the water because my brain was all, “OMG! Face in water! We’re drowning! Abort! Abort! RESURFACE, WOMAN!” But once I got the hang of it, more or less, I enjoyed paddling around, seeing the fish below us.

So, I guess I should amend my statement.  I do not like “natural” water unless it’s the crystal clear sparkling tropical waters that are tourist-friendly with plenty of other people around.  (Because clearly, all the aquatic evils will target them first.)

Filed under: i hate everything